I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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