I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
