I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
