Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
