It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
