i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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