Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
