the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
