If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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