I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
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I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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