apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
