mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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