It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
