Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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