I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
