you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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