Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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