I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
