Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
