you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
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beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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