My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.