Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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