I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
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I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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