I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
