I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
