i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
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he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
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The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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