if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We left the knife in your bed.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Randomize
