Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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