would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
