I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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