Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Randomize
