Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
another moral hangover. fuck.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
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This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
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OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE