Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!