Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
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She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
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All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober