I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.