Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
