new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
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Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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