i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit