Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
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It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
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Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?