Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
