It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
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There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
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I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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