It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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