i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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