No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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