My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
