I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants