I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?