i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
even my farts smell like vagina
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.