i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
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Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
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I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity