Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
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What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
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Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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