im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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