I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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