She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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