did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
