if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Randomize
